It's been a while since I wrote something. I went through some old journal entries to instrospect on the kind of person I was back then. Here's one from 26th July
2014.
. . . . .
We’ve been in a long on-going period of flat hunting. Now
that that’s finally done, we’re all working towards getting a tenant for the
current house that the guys lived in. I wonder how long it’s gonna take India
to move on and let people live their lives. Basic human rights that people have
are not given here. One’s right to have animals in the house; right to live
with whomever you want. Right to love someone of the same sex openly, and the
right to choose who to be with. Sometimes I look back at myself when I judge
someone, and wonder where it’s all coming from. Was it my upbringing? The
society? Was it me? There are things I still feel I need to change about my
thinking and approach towards other humans.
Today evening, I went to buy groceries in Hypercity; we were
so out of food. I was on my period. During my period I am especially low on
energy, and sometimes I get unbearable stomach cramps. Today I had only the
former, and as usual, when I am at my weakest, I tend to challenge myself
physically and emotionally. So I decided to shop alone. I waited in the queue
for billing. There was a young lady wearing some neon clothes. Her hair was
almost orange, and absolutely poker straight, and her nails were coloured a
neon pink. She was in the ‘items under 10’ section in front of me, and the rest
of us waited behind her while she kept producing different credit cards to pay.
I noticed she had only two notebooks to bill – it must’ve been 40-50 bucks. ‘Maybe
she doesn’t have change’ I thought. But then everyone in the queue including
myself started to get really restless. None of her cards seemed to be working.
Finally after 10 minutes, she produced a 100 rupee note. My mouth flung open,
and I immediately shut it. I had already judged her to be some blonde rich daddy
girl who came to this huge mall to buy 2 notebooks.
While walking back I was so annoyed with myself. Who was I
to judge her by how she decided to pay, or what she was buying or wearing? I
passed the pani puri guy who smiled at me. It reminded me of the chai wala
uncle in Nashik who Akshay and I would buy tea from. I smiled back, and said
‘hello bhaiya’ as I passed. I’m not the kind of person who keeps in touch, or
does things spontaneously, but I immediately dialled Akshay’s number. We had a
nice conversation till I got home about what he’s upto. I remember how
important he felt to me while I was in Nashik, and how I hadn’t bothered to
constantly stay in touch. Neither had he, but then he probably wasn’t as close
to me as I was to him. I like it when people don’t get too attached to me. Off
late I seem a little too selfish to myself; or it’s probably cynical
introspection.
When I watch a good film these days, I feel so warm and
fuzzy. Even if that’s not what I’m experiencing at the moment, it takes me to a
beautiful time when I was there. The other day, Lux, Arvind, En and I watched
‘The Lunchbox’. It was the second time I’d seen it and I felt that intense love
for the film all over again. I had such a huge urge to squeeze these 3 people
sitting around me. It felt like family, but I controlled myself. I feel like I
understand myself so well – I will fall in love, and I will give and drown in
them, but they might just get severely creeped out. But then maybe I don’t know
myself after all. Maybe I’m just afraid of getting attached – but I’ve never
been afraid. I probably don’t know anymore, but that’s ok.
I hope I never become that kind of person who lies to
themselves to avoid their real problems; that would be everything against what
I stand for. Sometimes I feel like a child, and sometimes I feel the weight of
everyone’s despair in my hands. Onward sail.
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