Coconut Cruncher

The five toughest questions men have to answer 1.What are you thinking? 2.Do you love me? 3.Do I look fat? 4.Do you think she is prettier than me? 5.What would you do if I died? What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into major argument and/or divorce if the man doesn't answer properly. For example: 1) What are you thinking? The proper answer to this question, of course, is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things: a)Baseball b)Football c)How fat you are d)How much prettier she is than you e)How he would spend the insurance money if you died (The best answer to...

A man called home to his wife and said, "Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office so I'll just swing by the house to pick my things up…oh, and please pack my new blue silk pyjamas." His wife thought this last bit sounded a bit fishy but being the good wife she was, did exactly as he asked. Her husband came by that afternoon and picked up his things, kissed her goodbye and left. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. His wife welcomed him home and asked if he had caught many fish? He said, "Oh yes! Lots of salmon, some bluegill and a few swordfish. It's quite amazing how rich the rivers are up there. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pyjam...

Love quote versions ORIGINAL QUOTE If you love someone, Set her free... If she comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, she never was.... THE NEW VERSIONS.... . Pessimist: --------- If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, she's yours, If she doesn't, as expected, she never was Optimist: -------- If you love someone, Set her free ... Don't worry, she will come back. Suspicious: ---------- If you love someone, Set her free ... If she ever comes back, ask her why. Impatient: --------- If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back within some time forget her. Patient: ------- If you love someone, Set her free ... If she doesn't come back, continue to wait until she comes back ... Playful: ------- If you love someone, Set her free ... * If she comes back, and if you love her still, set her free again, repeat * C++ Programmer: ------------ -- if(you-love( m_she)) m_she.free() if(m_she == NULL) m_she= new CShe; Animal-Rights A...

There was a man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him. Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!" She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with yo...

The Divorce Letter ! Dear Husband: I'm writing you this letter to tell you that I'm leaving you for good. I've been a good woman to you for seven years and I have nothing to show for it. These last two weeks have been hell. Your boss called to tell me that you had quit your job today and that was the last straw. Last week, you came home and didn't notice that I had gotten my hair and nails done, cooked your favorite meal and even wore a brand new negligee. You came home and ate in two minutes, and went straight to sleep after watching the game. You don't tell me you love me anymore, you don't touch me or anything. Either you're cheating or you don't love me anymore, whatever the case is, I'm gone.. P.S. If you're trying to find me, don't. Your BROTHER and I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! Your EX-Wife ________________________________________________ Dear Ex-Wife, Nothing has made my day more than receiving you...

Time for some male bashing..... (For a change) Q: What is the difference between men and puppies? A: Puppies grow up. Q: Why do men always have a stupid look on their faces? A: Because they are... Q: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles? A: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them forever. Q: If you drop a man and a brick out of a plane, which one would hit the ground first? A: Who cares?????.. ...(both are equally dense!!) Q: What did God say after he created man? A: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!! (Yea) Q: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO? A: I don't know, I've never seen either. Q: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business? A: i) no mind ii) no business Q: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years? A:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions ..LOL!!! Q: What is the difference between men and pigs? A: Pigs don't turn into men when they drink... Q: W...

A woman decides to take her husband's fishing boat out on the lake, though not to fish. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and settles down in the sun with her book for an afternoon read. Along comes a fishing inspector in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning ma'am. What are you doing?" "Reading a book," she replies (thinking to herself, "Isn't that obvious!"). "You're in a restricted fishing area," he informs her. "I'm sorry officer, but I'm not fishing, I'm reading". "Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and make a report." "If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault" says the woman. "But I haven't touched you!" says the man. "That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment." M ORAL: Nev...

A man and a woman, who had never met before, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, the two were tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 2:00 AM, he leaned over and gently wakes the woman, saying, ?? "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be kind enough to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, why don't we pretend that we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!!" he is excited. "Good," she replies. "Get up and get your own damn blanket."

It's important to refresh your memory on the sublime etiquette of outdoor cooking, or the Barbecue, as it's the only type of cooking a REAL man will do, probably because there is an element of danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the barbecue, a chain of events are put into motion. Here's the routine. 1. The woman buys the food. 2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables and makes dessert. 3. The woman trims, marinates and prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces and takes it to the man who is lounging beside the grill, beer in hand. Here comes the important part: 4. THE MAN PLACES THE MEAT ON THE GRILL. 5. He accepts the admiring comments and exclamations at this feat. More routine: 5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery. 6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He thanks her and asks if she will bring him another beer while he deals wi...

The problems with GUYS: If u treat him nicely, he says u are in love with him. If u don't, he says u are proud. If u dress Nicely, he says u are trying to impress him. If u don't, he says u are from Kampung. If u argue with him, he says u are stubborn. If u keep quiet, he says u have no brains. If u are smarter than him, he'll lose face. If he's smarter than u, he is great. If u don't love him, he tries to posses u. If u love him, he will try to leave u.(very true huh?) If u don't make love with him, he says u don't Love him. If u do!! he says u are cheap. If u tell him your problem, he says u are troublesome. If u don't, he says that u don't trust him. If u scold him, u are like a mom to him. If he scolds u, it is because he cares for u. If u break your promise, u cannot be trusted. If he breaks his, he is forced to do so. If u smoke, u are bad girl. If he smokes, he is gentleman. If u do well in your exam...

WORDS WOMEN USE: FINE this is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up FIVE MINUTES if she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house. NOTHING this is the calm before the storm. This means "something," and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with 'Nothing' usually end in "Fine" GO AHEAD this is a dare, not permission. Don't do it. LOUD SIGH This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing" THAT'S OKAY this is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how a...

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them are hurt. God works in Mysterious ways. After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling....about women drivers the woman says, "So you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left, but we're unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days". Flattered, the man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely, this must be a sign from God!" But your still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive. The woman continues, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then she hands the bottle...

A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office ready to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been to...

Laws on girls 1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that. 2. The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!! 3. The more the makeup, worse the looks... 4. "95% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 5% would always be around you... 5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother. 6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed to some one else 7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you. 8. Theory of relativity...... The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u... 9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela) Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long...

Hey everyone! :P This was still cute even after I realised it was making fun of women! :P!!!! Have fun!(That goes to guys AND girls!!) Read It Completely A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM...

Man driving down road. Woman driving up same road. They pass each other. Woman yells out window, "PIG!" Man yells back out window, "BITCH!" Man rounds next curve. Man crashes into HUGE PIG in middle of road and dies. Thought for The Day: If only men would listen....

These are actual 'Bride Wanted' ads taken from matrimony site shaadi.com . Do you think any would be suitable for me? Pls shortlist. Do NOT ....................................................................................................................................................................................................... Hello To Viewers My Name is Shekhar , I am single i don't have female, If anyone want to Marie to me u can visit to my home. I am not a good education but i working all field in bangalroe.. if u like me u welcome to my heart...when ever u want to meet pls visit my resident or send u letter... Thanks yours Regards Shekhar (Hmm...I've never been to Bangalroe. Where is it?) ................................................................................................................................................................................................... i want very simple girl. from brahmin educated family from orissa...

WOMEN'S ENGLISH Yes = No No = Yes Maybe = No We need = I want I am sorry = You'll be sorry We need to talk = You're in trouble Sure, go ahead = You better not Do what you want = You'll pay for this later I am not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron! You're very attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about? MEN'S ENGLISH I am hungry = I am hungry I am sleepy = I am sleepy I am tired = I am tired Nice dress = Nice cleavage! I love you = Let's have sex now I am bored = Do you want to have sex? May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you Those shoes don't go with that outfit = I'm gay

Note to all: I found this mail across the web and thought it was really amusing. I'd just like to tell everyone that girls aren't like this, and this is a common misconception made by guys who are insecure! -- Nikhita ******** Girls' relationship with guys is a bigger mystery than girls themselves. It's not just about boyfriends, we're talking about guy friends that gals have. Do you have a gal who is just a friend? Are confused why the frequency of calls increases as exams loom closer? Or why she always hangs around with the moron who isn't fit to wear Jeetendra's white shoes? Here's a ready reckoner for you: ******** % just a friend % Well, you are like a show piece in my house. I will call you whenever I need you. If you call me home the chances are 9 out of 10 times she might say, "Oh Rahul, I am going out can you call me after 2 days??" Rahul: "Where are you going Shilpa??" Shilpa: "None of your business" and bangs the ...

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch. ... You may choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. . On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord. ********* The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids. ********* The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, and are extremely good looking. " Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. ********* She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4...