Coconut Cruncher

Larry feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response." That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for dinner?" No response.. So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for dinner?" Still no response. Next he moves into the dini...

A man in Phoenix calls his son in New York the day before Thanksgiving and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough." "Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams. "We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the father says. "We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her." Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at her father, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up. The old man hangs up his phone and turns t...

An elderly lady decided to give herself a big treat for her significant birthday by staying overnight in one of London's most expensive hotels. When she checked out next morning, the desk clerk handed her a bill for £250.00. She explode and demanded to know why the charge was so high. "It's a nice hotel but the rooms certainly aren't worth £250.00 for just an overnight stop without even breakfast." The clerk told her that £250.00 is the 'standard rate' so she insisted on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appeared and forewarned by the desk clerk announced: "the hotel has an Olympic-sized pool and a huge conference centre which are available for use." 'But I didn't use them," she said. ''Well, they are here, and you could have," explained the Manager. He went on to explain that she could also have seen one of the in-hotel shows for which the hotel is famous. "We have the best entertainers from Edinburg...

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people. "First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did. "Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did. "Now we eat everybody." And they did. When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?" His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream 'racism' these days. A customer asked, "In what aisle could I find the Sarson Ka Tel?" (Mustard OIL) The clerk says "You a Sikh?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian Olive Oil, would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for some Irish whiskey, would you ask if I was Irish? The clerk says, "No, I probably wouldn't." The guy says, "Well then, because I asked for Sarson Ka Tel, why did you say I am Sikh?" The clerk replied, "Because you're in a Liquor Store."

Jo Aap Kaho Ji. Husband: aaj khane mein kya banaogi? Wife: Jo aap kaho H: Dal chawal bana lo W: Abhi kal hi to khaye the H: to sabji roti bana lo W: bacche nahi khayenge H: to chhole puri bana lo W: mujhe bahut heavy lagta hai H: eggs bhurji bana lo W: aaj guruvaar hai H: paraanthe ? W: raat ko paraanthe kaun khata hai?? H: Hotel se mangwa lete hain? W: roz roz hotel ka nahi khana chahiye H: kadhi chawal? W: dahi nahi hai H: idly sambar? W: usme time lagega. pehle bolna chahiye tha na!! H: maggi hi bana lo, usme time nahi lagega W: woh koi meal thodi hai? Pet nahi bharta H: phir ab kya banaogi? W: Jo aap kaho

Man: "Haven't we met before?" Woman: "Yes, I'm the receptionist at the VD Clinic." Man: "Haven't I seen you someplace before? Woman: "Yeah, that's why I don't go there anymore." Man: "Is this seat empty?" Woman: "Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down." Man: "Your place or mine?" Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine." Man: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" Woman: "It's in the phone book." Man: "But I don't know your name." Woman: "That's in the phone book too." Man: "So what do you do for a living?" Woman: "I'm a female impersonator." Man: "Hey, baby, what's your sign?" Woman: "Do not Enter" Man: "I know how to please a woman." Woman: "Then please leave me alone." Man: "I want to give myself to you." Woman: "Sorry, I d...

Truism? A young Arab asks his father: What is this weird hat that we are wearing ? It's a "chechia" because in the desert it protects our heads from the sun ! And what is this type of clothing that we are wearing ? It's a "djbellah" because in the desert it is very hot and it protects your body ! And what are these ugly shoes that we have on our feet ? These are "babouches", which keep us from burning our feet when in the desert ! Tell me, papa... Yes, my son ? ... Why are we living in Vancouver and still wearing all this shit ?

In an alcohol factory the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire. A drunkard with ragged, dirty look came to apply for the position. The director of the factory wondered how to send him away. They tested him. They gave him a glass with a drink. He tried it and said, "It’s red wine, a muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers." "That’s correct", said the boss. Another glass. "It’s red wine , cabernet, eight years old, a southwestern slope, oak barrels." "Correct." The director was astonished. He winked at his secretary to suggest something. She brought in a glass of urine. The alcoholic tried it. "It’s a blonde, 26 years old, pregnant in the third month. And if you don’t give me the job, I’ll tell who’s the father!"

HOW TO IDENTIFY DIFFERENT CITIZENS OF INDIA Scenario 1 Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along, sees them and walks on. That's MUMBAI *** Scenario 2 Two guys are fighting. Both of them take time out and call their friends on their mobiles. Now 50 guys are fighting. You are definitely in PUNJAB !!! *** Scenario 3 Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes along and tries to make peace. The first two get together and beat him up. That's DELHI *** Scenario 4 Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly opens a Chai-stall. That's AHMEDABAD *** Scenario 5 Two guys are fighting and a third guy comes. He writes a software program to stop the fight. But the fight doesn't stop because of a virus in the program. That's BANGALORE *** Scenario 6 Two guys are fighting. A crowd gathers to watch. A guy comes along and quietly says that "AMMA" doesn't like all this nonsense. Peace settles in... That's CHENNAI *** Scenar...

Even I salute this internet joke. It was the first day of a school in USA and a new Indian student named Chandrasekhar Subramanian entered the fourth grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American History. Who said 'Give me Liberty , or give me Death'?" She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Chandrasekhar, who had his hand up:?'Patrick Henry, 1775'he said. 'Very good! Who said 'Government of the People, by the People, for the People, shall not perish from the Earth?'' Again, no response except from Chandrasekhar. 'Abraham Lincoln, 1863' said Chandrasekhar. The teacher snapped at the class, 'Class, you should be ashamed. Chandrasekhar, who is new to our country, knows more about our history than you do.' She heard a loud whisper: 'F___ the Indians,' 'Who said that?' she demanded. Chandrasekhar put his hand up. 'General Custer, 1862.' At that point, a student in the back said, 'I...

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. 'Not a chance,' says the husband, 'it is 3:00 in the morning!' He slams the door and returns to bed. 'Who was that?' asked his wife. 'Just some drunk guy asking for a push,' he answers. 'Did you help him?' she asks. 'No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is pouring rain out there!' 'Well, you have a short memory,' says his wife. 'Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself!' The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, 'Hello, are you still there?' 'Yes,' comes back the answer. 'Do you still need a push?' calls out the husb...

At the end of the tax year, the tax office sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the rabbi and said, 'I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?' 'Good question,' noted the rabbi. 'We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles.' 'Oh,' replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. 'What about all these bread-wafer purchases? What do you do with the crumbs?' 'Ah, yes,' replied the rabbi, realising that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. 'We collect them and send them back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send us a free box of bread-wafers.' 'I see,' replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all rab...

A man boards a flight from Delhi to Mumbai and takes his seat. As he settles in, he glances up and sees a gorgeous woman boarding the plane. He soon realizes she's heading straight towards his seat and eventually, lo and behold, she takes the seat right next to his. Eager to strike up a conversation, he asks "Business trip or vacation?" She turns, smiles, and says, "Business. I'm going to the annual Sexologists Convention." He swallows hard. Here is the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen, sitting next to him, and she's a sexologist! Struggling to contain his excitement and maintain his composure, he calmly asks, "What's your business role at this convention?" "Lecturer," she says, "I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality." "Really?" he says, swallowing hard. "What m-m-m-myths are those?" "Well," she explains, "One popular myth is that African men are th...

AOL Email Careers in Pakistan If we were in Pakistan, our options for professional courses after High School would be as follows : JEE - Jehadist Entrance Examination IIT - Islamic Institute of Terrorism IIM - Institute of Infiltration Management CAT - Career in Alqaida & Taliban IAS - Iraq after Saddam M Tech - Masters in Terror Technology GATE - General Aptitude in Terror and Extremism TOEFL - Test of Extremist Foreign Languages GRE - Graduate in Relocation Extremism MBBS - Master of Bomb Blasting Strategies MBA - Master of Bombing Administration

A man arrives at a doctor's surgery complaining of serious back pain. The doctor helps him lie down on the examining table him and asks, "How did this happen?" "Well," the man says, "I work for a local night club. This morning I got back to my apartment earlier than usual, but as soon as I opened the door I heard a noise in my bedroom. I ran in. The balcony door was open. I just knew someone had been with my wife. I rushed out the balcony door but there was no one there. Then I looked down and saw a half-naked man running out dressing himself. I grabbed the mini-fridge in the bedroom and threw it at him. That's how I strained my back." The doctor sympathised, gave him a prescription and sent him off. A second patient arrived, looking as if he'd been in a car wreck. "Goodness!" the doctor said. "My previous patient looked bad, but you look terrible. What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "I've been out of a job ...

Guys this is HILARIOUS!! Make sure you read this! - Nikhita ___________________________________________________________ Patrick Hanifin found a unique way to ease his frustrations that was so successful, he actually wrote a piece on it! Read on for a laugh! - Anita ___________________________________________________________ In case your frustration level rises today, this is for everyone who occasionally has a really bad day when you just need to take it out on someone: I was sitting at my desk when I remembered a telephone call that I had to make. I found the number and dialled it. A man Answered nicely saying, "Hello?" I politely said, "This is Patrick Hanifin and may I please speak to Robin Carter?" Suddenly the phone was slammed down on me! I couldn't believe that anyone could be that rude. I tracked down Robin's correct number and called her. She had transposed the last two digits. After I hung up with Robin, I spotted the wrong number still lying on my...

After a short visit to the united States, Michelangelo's David returns to Italy.. Proud sponsors:

At a building site, two blue collar workers, Jack and Ray were chatting. Jack: Ray, I've been attending night classes for five months now and I have an exam next week. Ray: Oh…well, how's that going for you? Jack: Great! I'm learning all this cool stuff! For example, do you know who Graham Bell is? Ray: No. Jack: He invented the telephone in 1876. If you took night classes you'd know that. Ray: Oh…that's pretty cool I guess. The next day, Jack hailed Ray at the site again. Jack: Hey Ray, do you know who Alexander Dumas is? Ray: No. Jack: He's the author of 'The Three Musketeers'. You know, if you took night classes like me, you'd know that. Ray frowned in annoyance but said nothing. The next day, Jack came up to Ray again. Jack: Hey Ray! Do you know who Jean Jacques Rousseau is? Ray: No! Jack: He's the author of 'Confessions'. If you took those night classes, you'd know that. Ray had had enough. He straightened up and turned to Jack. ...

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?" She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by." "No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?" "It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded. "I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?" "I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents." He said, "Do you have a real grudge?" "No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one." "Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?" "Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes." "Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?...