Coconut Cruncher

A woman parked her brand-new Lexus in front of her office ready to show it off to her colleagues. As she got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore off the door on the driver's side. The woman immediately grabbed her cell phone, dialed 911, and within minutes a policeman pulled up. Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the woman started screaming hysterically. Her Lexus, which she had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it. When the woman finally wound down from her ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief. "I can't believe how materialistic you women are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else." "How can you say such a thing?" asked the woman. The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been to

A Mess In Court Things people actually said in court, word for word: Q: What is your date of birth? A: July fifteenth. Q: What year? A: Every year. Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact? A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks. Q: This myasthenia gravis-does it affect your memory at all? A: Yes. Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory? A: I forget. Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten? Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to? A: Oral. Q: How old is your son-the one living with you? A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which. Q: How long has he lived with you? A: Forty-five years. Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning? A: He said, "where am I Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you? A: My name is Susan. Q: And where was the location of the accident? A: Approximately milepost 499. Q: And where is milepost 499? A: Probably between milepost 498 an

A bright young executive had just been hired as the new CEO of a large high tech firm. The CEO who was stepping down met with him privately and handed him three numbered envelopes. "Open these if you run up against a problem you don't think you can handle," he said. Well, things went along pretty smoothly, but six months later, sales took a nosedive and the young CEO was really catching a lot of heat from the board. At wit's end, he remembered the envelopes. He went to his drawer and took out the first envelope. The message read, "Blame your predecessor." The CEO called a press conference and tactfully laid the blame at the feet of the previous CEO. Satisfied with his comments, the board, the press and Wall Street responded positively, sales picked up, stock prices rose and the problem was soon behind him. About a year later, the company was again experiencing a slight dip in sales, combined with serious problems getting new product into the market. Having l

Ole staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Swen. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Lena . He tiptoed quietly toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful. Managing not to yell, Ole sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood. He then hid the now almost empty box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed. In the morning, Ole woke up with searing pain in his head and butt and Lena staring at him from across the room. She said, "You were drunk again last night, weren't you Ole?" Ole said, "Why you say such a

The following scene took place on a BA flight between Johannesburg and London . This is a true story. A White woman, about 50 years old, was seated next to a Black man. Obviously disturbed by this, she called the air Hostess. "Madam, what is the matter," the Hostess asked. "You obviously do not see it then?" she responded. "You placed me next to a Black man. I do not agree to sit next to someone from such a epugnant group. Give me an alternative seat." "Be calm please, " the Hostess replied. "Almost all the places on this flight are taken. I will go to see if another seat is available." The Hostess went away and then came back a few minutes later. "Madam, just as I thought, there are no other available seats in the Economy class. I spoke to the Captain and he informed me that there are no seats in the Business class either. All the same, we still have one seat in the First class." Before the woman could say anything,

Olny srmat poelpe can raed tihs. cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid, aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit a porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! Hhee!! If you can raed tihs psas it on !!

A frail old man went to live with his son, daughter-in- law, and a four-year old grandson. The old man's hands trembled, his eyesight was blurred, and his step faltered. The family ate together nightly at the dinner table. But the elderly grandfather' s shaky hands and failing sight made eating rather difficult. Peas rolled off his spoon onto the floor. When he grasped the glass often milk spilled on the tablecloth. The son and daughter-in- law became irritated with the mess. "We must do something about grandfather, " said the son. I've had enough of his spilled milk, noisy eating, and food on the floor. So the husband and wife set a small table in the corner. There, grandfather ate alone while the rest of the family enjoyed dinner at the dinner table.

Let's say it's 6.15p m and you're going home (alone of course), after an unusually hard day on the job.You're really tired, upset and frustrated. Suddenly you start experiencing severe pain in your chest that starts to adiate out into your arm and up into your jaw. You are only about five miles from the hospital nearest your home. Unfortunately you don't know if you'll be able to make it that far. You have been trained in CPR, but the guy that taught the course did not tell you how to perform it on yourself. HOW TO SURVIVE A HEART ATTACK WHEN ALONE Since many people are alone when they suffer a heart attack, without help,the person whose heart is beating improperly and who begins to feel faint, has only about 10 seconds left before losing consciousness. However,these victims can help themselves by coughing repeatedly and very vigorously. A deep breath should be taken before each cough, and the cough must be deep and prolonged, as when producing sputum from deep

Laws on girls 1. If u think a girl is beautiful, she'll always have a boyfriend to confirm that. 2. The nicer she is...the quicker u will be dumped!!!!! 3. The more the makeup, worse the looks... 4. "95% of the girls in this world are beautiful. Remaining 5% would always be around you... 5. The guy standing next to a beautiful girl can never be her brother. 6. If by any chance the girl you like , likes you too, she will let you know in about 10 years from now, when you are committed to some one else 7. The more you ignore a girl, the more she'll want to be friends with you. 8. Theory of relativity...... The more u run towards a hot chick....the more she goes away from u... 9. Rule 1: Even if you got her out alone... just when you are about to let her know about your feelings...she will spot a long lost friend( I guess from Kumbh ka Mela) Corollary to rule 1: The more desperate you are to tell your feelings to a girl on a private chat, the more probability the long

Hey everyone! :P This was still cute even after I realised it was making fun of women! :P!!!! Have fun!(That goes to guys AND girls!!) Read It Completely A woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog told her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get it ten times!" The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to". The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me." So, KAZAM

Once upon a time there were 2 brothers who lived on the 80th floor of a tall building. On coming home one day they realized, to their dismay, that the lifts were not working and that they would have to climb the stairs home. After struggling to the 20th level, panting and tired, they decided to abandon their bags and come back for them the next day. They left their bags then and climbed on . . By the time they had struggled to the 40th level, they had gone sufficiently mad and were irritated. The younger brother started to grumble and both of them began to quarrel. They continued to climb the flights of steps, quarreling all the way to the 60th floor. They then realized that they had only 20 levels more to climb and decided to stop quarreling and continue climbing in peace. They silently climbed on and reached their home at long last! Each stood calmly before the door and waited for the other to open the door. They then realized that the key was in their bags, which were left on the 20

I saw a girl with golden hair I looked at her and sighed and wished I was as fair. When suddenly she rose to leave, I saw her hobble down the aisle. She had one leg and used a crutch But as she passed, she passed a smile. Oh, God, forgive me when I whine I have 2 legs, the world is mine. ~~~ I stopped to buy some candy The lad who sold it had such charm I talked with him a while, he seemed so very glad If I were late, it'd do no harm. And as I left, he said to me, "I thank you, you've been so kind. It's nice to talk with folks like you. You see," he said, "I'm blind." Oh, God, forgive me when I whine. I have 2 eyes, the world is mine. ~~~ Later while walking down the street, I saw a child with eyes of blue He stood and watched the others play He did not know what to do. I stopped a moment and then I said, "Why don't you join the others, dear?" He looked ahead without a word. And then I knew, he couldn't hear. Oh, God, forgive me wh

A mother had 2 sons who were very mischievous.. One fine day, her neighbour tels her about this preacher who disciplines young boys and girls who cause trouble. So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?" The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open. So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!" Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!" The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him. When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "what happened?" The younger broth

When your feeling alone like no one cares, read this, coz its absolutely true. Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep, At least fifteen people in this world love you. The only reason someone would ever hate you is because they want to be just like you. There are at least two people in this world who would die for you You mean the world to someone. Someone that you don't even know exists loves you. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. When you think the world has turned its back on you, take a look. Always remember the compliments you've received, and forget the rude remarks.

At a trial in a small Southern town in the US, the prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly grandmother to the stand. He approached her and asked pompously, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was speechless. He squeaked out something and then, not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why, yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't b

It was the day of the big sale. Rumors of the sale (and some advertising in the local paper) were the main reason for the long line that formed by 8:30, the store's opening time, in front of the store. A small man pushed his way to the front of the line, only to be pushed back, amid loud and colorful curses. On the man's second attempt, he was punched square in the jaw, and knocked around a bit, and then thrown to the end of the line again. As he got up the second time, he said to the person at the end of the line... "That does it! If they hit me one more time, I won't open the store!"

One morning you will never wake up, do all your friends know you love them? I was thinking...I could die today, tomorrow or next week, and I wondered if I had any wounds needing to be healed,friendships that needed rekindling or three words needing to be said. Let every one of your friends know you love them. Even if you think they don't love you back, you would be amazed at what those three little words and a smile can do. And just in case GOD calls me home before I see you again....... I LOVE YA!!!

Every night, someone thinks about you before they go to sleep. At least 15 people in this world love you in some way. The only reason someone would hate you is because they want to be just like you. There are at least 2 people in this world that would die for you. You mean the world to someone. Someone that you dont even know exists loves you. When you make the biggest mistake ever, something good comes from it. When you think the world has turned its back on you , take a second look at whats facing you. Always remember the compliments you received. Forget the rude remarks. So if you are a loving friend, send this to everyone on your list including me

If the Titanic was made in India..... 1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship 2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course singing in the rain 3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya" 4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive, but the villian would die on the first dip 5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a lesson 6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees. 7) Himesh Reshammiya could not use his nose to sing as his nose would be running due to the cold weather condition. And last but not least 8) More Than Half of the rescue boats would be reserved for SC/ST/OBC

1.Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully. 2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other. 3. Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want. 4. When you say, "I love you," mean it. 5 . When you say, "I'm sorry," look the person in the eye. 6. Be engaged at least six months before you get married. 7. Believe in love at first sight. 8. Never laugh at anyone's dream. People who don't have dreams don't have much. 9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely. 10. In disagreeme! nts, fight fairly. No name calling. 11. Don't judge people by their relatives. 12. Talk slowly but think quickly. 13. When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, "Why do you want to know?" 14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk. 15

Think about this for a while......If I happened to show up on your door step crying, would you care? If I called you and asked you to pick me up because something happened,would you come? If I had one day left, to live my life. Would you be part of that last day? If I needed a shoulder to cry on, would you give me yours?

Did you know that those who appear to be very strong in heart, are real weak and most susceptible? Did you know that those who spend their time protecting others are the ones that really need someone to protect them? Did you know that the three most difficult things to say are: I Love you, Sorry and Help me... Did you know that it's easier to say what you feel in writing than saying it to someone in the face? But did you know that it has more value when you say it to their face? Did you know that if you ask for something in faith, your wishes are granted? Did you know that you can make your dreams come true, like falling in love, becoming rich, staying healthy, if you ask for it by faith, and if you really knew, you'd be surprised by what you could do.

As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed ever let you down probably will. You will have your heart broken, probably more than once, and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken. You'll fight with your best friend. You'll blame a new love for things an old one did. You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love. So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.

Hey people...this is 2 prove how dumb I am.. There r 3 kinds of people in the world.. 1)Those who MAKE things happen... 2)Those who WATCH things happen... 3)Those who WONDER WHAT happened... I constitute in the 3rd class!!!

The bookkeeper signs back: "I don't know what you are talking about." The attorney tells the Godfather: "He says he doesn't know what you're talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, "Ask him again!" The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: "He'll kill you if you don't tell him!" The bookkeeper signs back: "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!" The Godfather asks the attorney: "Well, what'd he say?" The attorney replies: "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Don't ya just love lawyers?

A husband and wife came for counseling after fifteen years of marriage. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the fifteen years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable… an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking the wife to stand, embraced and kissed her passionately. The woman shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?" The husband thought for a moment and replied, "Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Thursdays, but the rest of the week I play golf."

Description: While visiting India, George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam. He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to surround himself with intelligent people. Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent. "I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam. "Allow me to demonstrate." Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?" Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !" "Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam. He hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr. President. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington , decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons her to the W

A man was walking in a Central park in New York. Suddenly he saw a little girl being attacked by a dog, a pit bull. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life. A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says: "You are a hero; tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers: Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl." The man says: "But I am not a New Yorker." Then it will say in newspapers in the morning: "Brave American saves life of little girl" , the policeman answers. "But I am not an American!" says the man. "What are you then?" the policeman asked. The man replies: "I am a Pakistani" The next day the newspapers wrote: "Islamic extremist kills innocent American dog."

Day 2: 28th October 2006 I wake up at 6 when everyone's awake by 5! I looked down and noticed that all the beds were EMPTY!! Ian pulled my hair that was hanging from the top bunk. Got up and brushed my teeth and hair (yeah, in front of the guys!!LOL!!!) All the guys came to our compartment again. We played Dumbsheraaz - AGAIN, and Broken Telephone!!! Was real fun!! And next thing we know, we're told we're at Hyderabad! We're told to start packing. It all looks great outside, except that - IT STINKS!!! (of rotten eggs! Sick ol' chem-lab H2S! Urgh!!) We get into a bus and reach the hotel in no time! It's the 'Pearl Regency' Hotel! Cool place! really good rooms!! We went roaming about to all the rooms! Twas good fun! Watched Tyra banks on Zee Cafe'! (Yes! You heard me right, there's cable too!) Mum's gonna kill me for not calling up. :-s N right now, Cindy's gona for a shower, so I'm waiting for her majesty to finish having her headb

Day 1: 27th October 2006 We were all ready to go. At college, I met Cindy in the morning at about 9. Not many people had arrived, even though we were scheduled to leave at 10am sharp. We went to the food court and got some snacks to have along the way. At around 10, everyone was in the bus, excluding one girl. We waiting for this woman to come till 11:30! The whole schedule was screwed up. Time: 1:45 pm We're on the Goa-Karnataka border in bus, and everyone's panicking. The engine is releasing a lot of smoke and Tracy is really scared. She wants to get out. The volunteers have told us to calm down and sit in one place till the engines fixed. We reached Belgaum at 2:30pm, and had a great Lunch at this Hotel they booked for us. From there, we caught a train at about 3. It was a lot of fun hauling the luggage onto the train and finally getting on the move. It was quite a blast! In the train, we had Biryani for Lunch (I HATE Biryani, but I'm not picky, so I had a little). The f

N.S.S NSS stands for National Service Scheme (I think). In 2 years, we have to complete 120 hours!! Imagine the amount of work! We're supposed to help society by visiting oldage homes, orphanages, homes for the handicapped, etc. Besides all that, we can get hours for working in government owned installments, like a Garage, public tiolet, or any other place which is disgusting or which you have to slog your butt off for, or something like a protest, rally, etc. NSS is not a joke, trust me guys. I had finished just 7 hours 10 minutes so far, and I had 53 more to go, for which I attended college today. I will always prefer working and cleaning, rather than talking to people in oldage homes or interacting with them, because I personally feel I'm not a people-person. I'm not good at starting conversations with strangers. However, I did visit an oldage home in Aldona (out of sheer desperation for my hours) and it didn't end up so bad as we expected. The people there were rea

A holy man was having a conversation with the Lord one day & said 'Lord, I would like to know what Heaven & Hell are like.' The Lord led the holy man to two doors. He opened one of the doors & the holy man looked in. In the middle of the room was a large round table. In the middle of the table was a large pot of stew, which smelled delicious & made the holy man's mouth water. The people sitting around the table were thin & sickly. They appeared to be famished. They were holding spoons with very long handles that were strapped to their arms & each found it possible to reach into the pot of stew & take a spoonful. But because the handle was longer than their arms, they could not get the spoons back into their mouths. The holy man shuddered at the sight of their misery & suffering. The Lord said, 'You have seen Hell.' They went to the next room & opened the door. It was exactly the same as the first one. There was the large

Never doubt that a small group of committed people can change the world. Indeed, it is the only thing that ever has... watch this...